Awake

As I explained in my last post, I finally have complete psychological freedom from E. If this were a movie, I’d have left him in a darkened forest, surrounded by gnarly old trees, twisting vines and grasping roots and, goblin like, he’d be shouting at my disappearing form that he’s still important, still relevant, can […]

Free

It’s been a weird few weeks (hence the increased blog posts).  In some ways it’s been tough, because a lot of quite traumatic memories have been dragged up, but ultimately, it’s been a time that’s confirmed how far I’ve come and how much better things are for me.  I’ve realised how just happy I am and […]

Witness

I haven’t written about this before because I wasn’t really sure where to start and, as it’s about religion, I was conscious that I could offend. But as we approach another Christmas (I start planning very early), it’s on my mind, and I think enough time has passed to give me some perspective. Basically, the […]

Insanity

There’s a quote that regularly does the rounds on social media.  It’s usually wrongly attributed to Einstein, but it does have an air of his quirky brilliance to it: “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” By this definition, the last six years have […]

Shoes

Now things have quietened down, I’m slowly beginning to try to process and make sense of everything that’s happened over the last four years or so.  I’ve found I have very little specific memory of last year, especially last summer.  It’s all a blur  – losing my Mum, agreeing to let E have what he […]

Thestrals

“The only people who can see thestrals,” she said, “are people who have seen death.”Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix – JK Rowling The day after my Mum died Oldest Son gave me a hug and said quietly: “you can see thestrals now”.  In those five words Oldest Son encapsulated the most profound […]

July

July 2020 was a month in which everything in my life changed.  By the end of July, I had moved to a new house, and started a whole new life.  By the end of July, my priorities had shifted forever.  By the end of July, my beautiful Mum, my anchor, my safety, the person my […]

Over

‘Over it’ is a funny term.  It’s kind of an expectation.  A thing that you need to do in order to be able to move on.  It’s supposed to be a liberation.  It can also be a pressure – a mountain to climb, or at least to prove that you’ve climbed When E and I […]

Lowering the bar

Oldest Daughter once said with a sad sigh: “just when I think Dad can’t lower the bar anymore, he manages to crawl under it”. Since she said this, he’s managed to crawl under a fair few more of his lowered bars. In fact, I could have been forgiven for thinking his bar was finally at […]

Child

It was inevitable I suppose.  It was what I’d been expecting since I found out that E and P had married.  I expected it to feel like a punch to the guts.  But when I was told that E and P were expecting a baby, I just laughed. The circumstances under which I found out, […]