The Secret Diary of E, aged 37 3/4* *(according to J). The Early Years: Part One

Over the last year or so loads of people have asked me what on earth was going on in E’s head.  I usually shrug, shake my head and say something along the lines of ‘unfathomable’.  But maybe, just maybe, I can guess.  Below is the first in a series of light-hearted attempts to look at what he *might* actually have been thinking.

Let’s go back to the very first affair (that I know of).

(with thanks to Sue Townsend and Helen Fielding for the inspiration).

November 2007

Meetings where I was v important: 15  (v v good)
Students who fancy me – at least 10 (should probs be more)

1st

Am bored.  Life is not what I expected it to be and am not getting the recognition I so totally deserve.  I am now v v important Accountancy Training Company Director – have started an actual training business – but at home am just treated like normal person. Totally not fair.

8th

J in weird mood.  Not sure why.  She keeps moaning about missing our last home (we moved in July which was, like, months ago).  She’s also v v sad about the kids not settling into their schools – not sure why, they all seem perfectly moppet-y to me when I get in from work.  She says she’s worried about money which is v v boring (I know she’s had to take out a loan to help pay the bills for the next six months because I’m not being paid, but as this is due to BUILDING MY ACCOUNTANCY TRAINING EMPIRE, and we’ll totally be millionaires in a few years, she really should just chill out).  She also says that Youngest Son is very demanding (he’s one – how demanding can a one year old be, compared to my very demanding job in London?) and that she hates having to drive to school and back every day.

I love driving.

11th

Really nice student in today’s auditing class again.  She was totally staring at me for the whole lecture.  I started with my ‘what’s your claim to fame’ for my class warm up… not sure what hers (or anyone else’s) was tbh, but she was totally impressed by my ‘I was once on stage with Pavarotti and left my shoe onstage by accident’ one.  I then did my Eddie Izzard-esque jumping around saying ‘debits on the left, credits on the right’ routine and she properly laughed.

Might see if she’s one of the students who go to pub after lectures.

Bet she’d be more impressed than J about my accountancy training empire.

18th

Met student from last week’s lecture in pub after work.  Her name is K.  She is Russian. We swapped numbers.  Feel like person in romantic film.

Have always thought I’m a James Bond type hero – as evidenced by the fact that a totally hot Russian girl seems to really like me.

Russian accents =  v sexy.

J v moody, would totally serve her right if I fell in love at first sight with K.

22nd

Had to teach all weekend, but when I came home, despite fact I am v important and v v busy,  J insisted on talking about money and how ‘worried’ she is.  Why can’t she see that when I’ve built my accountancy training empire that we’ll be fine?  Would totally serve her right if I fell in love with K.

25th

Texted K to ask how she is.  Felt actual butterflies when she texted back.

26th

Meeting K for coffee before class tomorrow.

27th

Have decided that I am probably only with J for the sake of the kids.  Told K this today.

K is bi-sexual (which I am like totally, totally, cool with, I even looked-up ‘view bi-sexual girls together’ on the internet last night, just to be sure how absolutely cool I am with it).

Met another student in the pub today.   Not Russian.  She was nice, she smiled and seemed interested in me.

I appear to be irresistible to everyone except J  – which totally proves it’s her problem, not mine.

30th

Am Romantic God.  Sent the Not Russian Student a flirty Facebook message today. Wonder if she’ll reply?

Feel like I need to confide in someone, but am surrounded by people who will totally not get it.  So I wrote to my friend B in Croatia – we met when J was pregnant with Oldest Son, we even nearly kissed (she was totally up for it, but said ‘no’ because I was already with someone else, wish I’d lied now), she totally understands what a passionate man I am and is v v interested in my exciting love life..

J v quiet.  (v v boring).

December 2007

Meetings where I was v important: 10  (v  good)
Students who fancy me – at least 15
Love God status – 10/10

1st

K and I are totally in love and now meet lots for hand holding and snogging.  Is like being 16 again (except now girls seem to quite like my hair).

5th

Met K in the Costa outside my office for hand-holding and snogging this morning.  We are officially having a Top Secret Affair (v v good).

She has recommended I read a book that means a lot to her.  Apart from textbooks I haven’t read a book since I was at school.  It’s by Paulo Coelho and looks quite deep and inspiring (just like K).  Am totally changed man.  It’s love.  Love at first sight.

8th

K sent me an invite to her Russian Facebook page.  I am going to learn Russian.  I am v clever, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

10th

K is totally opening up to be about her life now.  We’re even Facebook friends now.  Did I mention she was bi-sexual? She is also married (to a v important Russian person – how James Bond is THAT?), but she totally doesn’t love him.

Today she told me about her ex-partner (an actual girl! also she was Russian too.  Might have to look up ‘two Russian girls together’ on the internet tonight, just to be sure I understand what she’s been through).  Apparently, this partner had a baby and doesn’t want to look after it anymore, so K is trying to help.  All v dramatic.  K is so much more compassionate, deep and interesting than J.

Told J about what was happening to K tonight (I very cunningly pretended I was talking about a colleague at work and J totally believed me).  J didn’t seem nearly as impressed about how kind K is as I thought she should be though.

J = v v boring, also she’s not Russian (v v bad).

15th

Sent K flowers.  This is love, it really is.  She and I just ‘get’ each other.

17th

Oops.  J walked in whilst I was on the computer and saw that K had sent me lots of hearts.  She laughed and asked who it was.  She assumed it was a mate being silly.  Little does she know that I’m a total love god and that K appreciates me far more than she does.

J still moaning about ‘not settling in’.  She is v boring.  Wish she’d just focus on the important things life – like building my accountancy tuition empire.

Wrote to B about K.  How mad is it that both of these women understand me better than J?

25th

Christmas Day.

Texted K all day – including when kids were opening their presents.  J was being boring – cooking and busy with kids – that she didn’t notice (phew).

31st 

New Year’s Eve.  Spent most of day texting K.  J stayed up until midnight, we went into garden to see the fireworks.  J wondered what the year would bring, then went to bed (so boring).  I wondered too and texted K to see what she thought…

I wonder what 2008 will bring?

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One thought on “The Secret Diary of E, aged 37 3/4* *(according to J). The Early Years: Part One

  1. I’m laughing even as my heart breaking for you and the kids, while my hand is itching to punch the man – it’s very confusing 😂😭😠 xx

    Liked by 1 person

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