Karma has been mentioned a lot to me over the last two years or so. I think it reflects a desire we all have to see justice done, to see fairness applied, to see the good guys get their reward and the bad guys realise how wrong they are.
Whilst I don’t think of myself as particularly ‘good’ or ‘deserving’, according to this version of Karma, the way E’s actions have had affected the kids and I would mean we’d be due some good luck – meaning that in a few years’ time, we’ll be financially and emotionally secure with the nightmare of the Early Post-E years firmly behind us (in my dreams my blog will also have become a book and made me some money). By contrast P will have been unfaithful to E a few times (and vice-versa), left him and rinsed him for the last of his assets in their divorce settlement. He’ll be older, fatter and balder and will be living in a tiny bedsit where he drowns his sorrows in a bottle of wine every night and wishes he’d appreciated what he’d had when he had it, and not thrown it all away. The few friends he had don’t talk to him anymore and his children, whilst polite, have very little to do with him. His reputation as an accountancy tutor has faded and he’s now been overtaken by younger, cooler tutors, and he’s now a faintly ridiculous figure (“the bloke from THAT blog”) who couldn’t pull a curtain let alone a student (can you tell I’ve been thinking about this scenario a lot?).
Of course, whilst this perception of Karma, the one based on the ‘good’ receiving their ‘reward’ and the ‘bad’ receiving their ‘just deserts’, creates an immensely satisfying picture (well, I’m certainly enjoying it), the fact is that things don’t work that way. Leaving aside for the moment that E lacks the emotional capacity to understand, let along regret, how much he’s hurt people, and that even if he does end up as described above, he simply won’t have the karmic moment of realising that this is his ‘punishment’, the fact of the matter is that life just isn’t like that. Life is unfair – sometimes people can be horrible and get away with it and sometimes people can be absolutely brilliant and still get dealt a raw deal.
However, it occurred to me yesterday, as my horrified contemplation of my ever increasing overdraft was interrupted by text after text from family and friends, asking if I was ok, offering to help and expressing their disgust at E’s behaviour, that, actually, Karma has already done her thing.
One of the things that has both astonished me and comforted me since E left has been the incredible generosity, both in kind and in spirit, that I have been shown by all of the people around me. My family and friends, and the people I have met online since writing this blog, have ensured that my children and I have been supported in every possible way. Nothing has been too much trouble, from endless lifts to offers of help and moral support by email and text. I’ve been sent thoughtful gifts and cards that have lifted me when I’ve been down and since E left, a day hasn’t passed without at least one supportive email or text from someone. As a result of my incredible friends and family, I now have transport (in the form of both a bike and a car), I have been treated to a spa evening, to meals out and to theatre tickets, I have received lovely cards and messages and I have even been given some money which will see the kids and I through the next few weeks, whilst I try to sort everything out. I am amazed and humbled by the support I have received – it has been totally unexpected (and completely undeserved) but totally life saving. I have appreciated everything, from the cards in the weeks after E left, to the regular texts saying “what a bastard”, to the anonymous person who sent me a supermarket shop last night because I couldn’t afford it, in the same way.
Because of the incredible kindness of the people around me, even though I’ve frequently hidden myself away, I’ve never felt alone. It might be shit that E has put me in this position, and I might struggle for the next year or so, depending upon what he decides to do, and how difficult he decides to make things financially but I will climb out of this and whilst I do so, I have got the best friends and family in the world to help pull me through.
I’ve realised that Karma has already worked. E has his ‘just deserts’ already – he’s married to a woman who is more than happy to have an affair when it suits her, three out of four of his kids won’t see him, he hasn’t seen his own family for nearly two years and he’s up to his eyes in debt. Whilst the kids and I have some worrying times ahead of us, we have the most incredible network of people around us and I’m so incredibly grateful for it.