Oldest Son has always been one for a searching question. The calmest, and stillest (and yet also the biggest wind-up merchant) of my children, he thinks deeply and in great detail. His head is always whirling with questions – especially very late in the evening. When he was little my most frequent words to him […]
End Game
That was it. Tuesday night was the last night that E ever spent in our home. That was it. Wednesday morning was the last morning he would ever say goodbye to the kids before they went to school. That was it. Oldest Daughter took one look at my face that afternoon and realised it was […]
Silence
After Christmas and New Year, we had reached a kind of impasse. On the occasions he was home, E barely spoke to me. I was just unable to say anything at all. I don’t know how (and if we ever work it out, I’m sure the kids would pay good money for the secret), but […]
Last Christmas
I wish I could tell you accurately what I said, and what E said, but, by the time I’d summoned up the courage to tell E what I knew, I was drunk. I wouldn’t recommend tackling it the way I did – I was sobbing, stuff just tumbled out. In my defence, the state I […]
Panic
Oldest Daughter was amazing. I told her the truth about what I’d found. She told me that her Dad’s first affair was one of her oldest memories. I explained that after what had happened that I couldn’t see how I could trust him again or how we could stay together, but that I wanted to […]
Guilt
“Mum… Can I ask you something? Is Dad having another affair?” Oldest Daughter was pale, her face was haunted. I was momentarily stunned. I had no idea that she remembered the first affair. She’d been only-just eight at the time. I didn’t know that she remembered. I knew that at the time I’d been honest […]
Hope
I know this might sound odd, but one thing that I have realised because of everything that has happened with E, is how incredibly lucky I am. The things that have kept me going throughout all of this have been my amazing friends and my incredible family. They have provided unstinting support and love for […]
Parallel Universe
According to the myth, the thing trapped in Pandora’s box when she slammed the lid shut was hope. The morning after I’d looked at E’s laptop, I couldn’t see any hope at all. I was on autopilot. I woke the kids up as usual. I sorted their breakfasts as usual. I packed their lunches and checked […]
Opening the box (part two)
There was another Other Woman? I’d dreaded finding one, but never in my wildest nightmares had I expected to find two. The affair with had O started whilst he was living in Singapore. I’m not sure if it coincided with when we lived there as a family (between 2010 and 2012), but it was certainly […]
Opening the box (part one)
I stared hopelessly at the screen. I was acutely aware of the kids upstairs and how odd it would look if they saw me, sitting in the dark, using their dad’s laptop, I was also unsure of exactly where to look/what to look for. Back in 2008, I’d found out about affair number one when I […]
He-total: Life without Ex 