The Secret Diary of E, aged 37 3/4 (according to J). The Early Years: Part Two

It’s been a while since we heard from E. Let’s go back to 2008 and see what he’s up to…

January 2008

Meetings where I was v important: 20 (v v v good)
Students who fancy me – lost count (am Love God after all)


Back to work. Back to K.  Have missed being Total Love God over Christmas hols.

J just doesn’t get me.


Met K in Costa near my office for hand holding and snogging.  We started into each other’s eyes for ages.  V v romantic.  Heard another customer whispering that I looked like K’s Dad.

Must buy gym membership.


J was droning on about the future today.  She said that at some point we’d probably ‘have’ to get married.  Immediately thought about K and how we are totally in love.  Replied to J ‘you’ve got to be fucking joking’. She looked a bit sad, think she cried.  Not sure why.  Now I’ve met K, everyone knows we’re only together for the sake of the kids.


Brilliant day.   J spent it being boring doing ironing (I have lots of work shirts) and baking stuff for the kids to take to school in their packed lunch (what’s wrong with buying cakes?).  I spent it in the garden, chopping wood and texting E about how very manly I am.  We must have said ‘I love you’ a million times by text.  This is truly love at first sight.

J oblivious (totally proof that we are only together for the sake of the kids).

Must write to B in Croatia, need to tell someone other than K how very much in love I am.


Got a shock when I came in from work tonight.  J had dyed her hair darker.  She looked spookily like K.  Did a double take when I got in.  Don’t think she noticed, scared me though.

It’s tough being a Love God.

February 2008

Meetings where I was v important: 15  (v good)
Students who fancy me – at least three (v good)


Have been nominated for Tutor of The Year by a very important industry magazine.  This is one read by lots and lots of students (many of whom fancy me, obv).  This is obviously totally deserved and is the reason I am going to be successful in building an Accountancy Training Empire.

K v pleased for me.  She knows that I am not only a Love God but also a totally awesome tutor.  I actually make Auditing sexy.  How cool am I?

J suggested that she could go to the Awards Ceremony with me to support me.  Was slightly worried for a moment – after all as I am in a loveless relationship for the sake of the kids, a supportive partner might look odd.  Fortunately, she couldn’t get a babysitter so am going on my own (like the poor stuck-in-a-loveless-relationship person that I actually am).


Being a Love God is SO demanding.  Had to remember to order two lots of flowers for today.  Obv I sent the most expensive ones, together with a romantic message, to K.  J will be happy with any old flowers.  J was v happy and hugged me.

Also bought K some rather lovely jewellery.  She was v flattered.

K sent chocolates to the office for me.  Much speculation, and winking, from colleagues re who had sent them.  I initially put on my ‘enigmatic face’ when asked – but a colleague asked me if I was constipated, so tried my ‘smug face’ instead.

Also messaged student who I quite like the look of in my auditing class.  Used my “As your tutor, I really shouldn’t say this, but you looked very attractive last night” line.  Can’t help myself, am romantic fool…

Valentine’s Day really is the most romantic time of year.


Awards Ceremony Night.  Didn’t win.  Not sure what they were thinking.  Whole evening would have been a total waste of my time but I did spend most of it texting K, so all was not lost.  I may not be Tutor of The Year – yet – but I am still a Total Love God.

Am so in love I have lost my house key and J had to let me in when I got home at 3am.



J has somehow found out about K and I.

She texted me telling me I didn’t need to find my lost key after all and suggesting I stayed with K.

My stomach did a funny plunge-y thing, like the time I was expelled from school and the time my girlfriend in America found out I’d lied to her.   Maybe I’m getting a tummy bug?

Being a Total Love God is v stressful.

Met K for coffee, hand holding and staring into each other’s eyes (v romantic).  She told me it was v v bad and showed just how v v v bad my relationship with J must be if she was communicating with me by text (obv K and I mostly communicate by text, but that’s because we’re totally in love and so that’s different).


Emailed B in Croatia. She also agreed that it was v v v bad that J had communicated by text.  Said it was ‘sad’ that things had come to that.  Had to agree – have been in a love-less relationship for so long, it was good of me to keep trying really….

Sleeping on friend’s sofa.


J has sent me a v v long email re K and B and everything that has happened.  Couldn’t be bothered to read it.  Was too busy texting K re when we should next meet.

Sofa a bit uncomfortable.


J has emailed K and B.  According to J she *loves* me and she didn’t know there was any problem with our relationship until now.

K seems slightly distant and rather less keen on our incredibly romantic romance for some reason.

I emailed K and B apologising for J contacting them (it was really v rude of her) and explaining that she ‘needed to get things off her chest’.  Hopefully Love God status restored.

March 2008

Meetings where I was v important: 5 (bad)
Students who fancy me – not sure (bad)


K thinks I should try and ‘work things out’ with J.  She wants to ‘put things on hold’ for now.

I think this means we should carry on our Love Affair, but in a few weeks’ time.


My 38th birthday.  Kids got me presents.  Texted K.


Emailed B and told her how sad K and I are about everything.  Described how we stared into each other’s eyes, for hours, and how she had to miss her class because she was too sad to study now we had to put things on hold for a while.

B is not replying to my emails anymore.  Wonder why?  She, of all people, should know what a Love God I am and how terrible all of this is for me.


Saw kids.  J cried.

Sofa hurting my back.


I have said I am very very sorry and will never do it again.  I used my saddest face (the one that looks so sincere that sometimes it gets confused with my ‘tortured face’) and it worked.  J has agreed I can come back.  She said some stuff about being honest from now on and not hiding stuff and this being on a trial basis… not sure what else she said, was composing text to K in my head and wondering if B would reply to my email re how agonised I was, I nodded lots though, and made my saddest face again.

Am also putting new passwords on everything.


Have been home a week.  Totally missing K.  Messaged her saying how much I miss her.  She didn’t reply.

Wonder what that student that smiled at me in class this morning is called?


K no longer replying to my texts (even though I’ve sent several explaining how tortured I am and how much I miss her).  She is so totally noble – giving up her love for me so that J and the kids can have a family.

I wonder if J will ever understand what K and I sacrificed for her?


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